Mayalyn88's Xanga

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 18:23:11 GMT

Que desagradable sensación es darse cuenta de que uno es una mala persona.

What a bad feeling it is to realize you are a bad person.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 01:55:54 GMT

Just got back from babysitting. It was alright. I watched "Robots" with the kid and later a friend came over for a while. When she left I started watching this dumb typical movie with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock, but the kids parents came home when I was in the middle of it so I didn't finish watching it...oh well.

I've finally decided on a theme for my research project(the one I have to do this year, my last year of high school, yay!). I'm going to do it on hurricane Katrina. Well ok not on the hurricane itself but on what happened afterwards. I think it will be a very interesting project, though depressing, but I don't know where to start. There are so many things to look at...I've got until Monday to think about it because then I'll have to find a teacher in my school who's willing to be my "tutor" for the project. I still can't believe summer is over. And I've done nothing. Well at least I've learnt not to ever do something like this again, meaning do nothing in 3 months because later I will regret having wasted my time.

Tomorrow night, well I guess I can say tonight already since it's 5 AM, a couple of friends and I are going to try "magic mushrooms"(I think that's what they're called in english). None of us have never tried them so that'll be something different. We'll see how it goes.

Well don't know what else to say so I'll shut up. Now.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 20:59:32 GMT

As I listen to REM I wonder what this emptyness inside me is and if it will ever go or if part of me will always feel this way. Even though suicide has never been(and I hope never will be) on my list of options I wonder what there is to live for. Family, friends? Even though those are the most important things in my life, sometimes I feel like they aren't enough. Because as I have a family who loves me and some close friends, I still feel empty. I ask myself more and more often everyday what I live for. Or for that matter, what anyone lives for. There has to be something that keeps us going. I don't think it's the fear of death because I know there are painless ways to go, but what is it then that keeps us going when we're feeling so sad all we wish to do is go to sleep and never wake up? That's how I feel lately. The past week for example all I've wanted to do (and nearly managed) is to stay at home and sleep. Today though, I went back to my normal rutine with friends. I didn't have a bad time but now that I'm home I just want to go to sleep and get rid of this feeling. One of my closest friends, my best friend in fact, tells me that I feel so depressed because I am very insecure and don't "love myself at all"(his words), and he believes the way of changing that is me fixing myself up(therefore being able to get a boyfriend- he says) instead of walking around in sweatpants and jeans all day. All I can wonder is, could the answer to my "problems" be so superficial? Could my depression possibly go away simply by fixing myself up and looking nicer? I can't possibly believe that one) it's that simple and two) the answer is so superficial.

So I'm at the same place. The place where I seem to have been for the past year or so. It's getting to a point where it's nearly unbearable(sp?) but still I manage to keep going, every day. What makes me feel worse is that I know I don't have reasons to feel this way. My life isn't perfect, granted, but is anybodies? I think I should be thankful for the life I have. And yes I am, but still I don't manage to get rid of this feeling. Ok it's not like I've done much to help, but the biggest problem is that I don't feel like doing anything. I've lost interest in things that I used to feel passionately about. All I want to do is stay at home and make no social contact unless people come by here to see me. On Monday I'm going back to school, starting my last year, and it's one of the things I fear the most right now. I'm terrorfied in fact. I can't imagine how I'm going to get through this year feeling this way.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 21:14:23 GMT

Here's a fragment from my diary:

29/06/05

Ok so it's another day. I went to my therapist today. That was all right. For once I told her how I actually feel. Which is depressed at the moment. I honestly (swear to God) don't know why I'm so depressed. She told me that if this has been going on for so long (a year now) maybe I should go see the psychiatrist and she will put me on medication. The second I told my dad this he said absolutely no way. I don't really know what I want. I just wish all this would just go the fuck away already. I can't stand being this way. But whatever I'm not really in the mood to write more about the subject.

Things about my personality:

I'm affected very easily by other people's actions. Too easily.

I get upset easily.

I don't take stress well, at all.

I have mood swings.

I care about the problems of the world to the point that they affect me in my everyday life (most of the time).

I don't understand how the American people could be so selfish, stupid and ignorant as to elect President George W. Bush.

I get angry easily. But it goes away easily as well.

It's hard for me to tell people how I really feel. I prefer to not acknowledge there's a problem instead of having to argue about things. Or I simply swallow my pride.

I talk a lot but do little.

I'm very passionate about things and it's hard for me to change my mind.

I can be very phony, it's just a way for me to avoid arguing.

I realize things but I still won't change (like I know that depending on drugs for fun is stupid, pathetic, etc. but I won't quit).

I tend to be a pessimist. When I was little I was just the opposite, but at some point in my life I changed.

I'm very shy and antisocial (this is also new, I wasn't like this until a few years a go).

I hate myself often.

I hate my physique.

I eat a lot when I'm bored, depressed, etc.

I analyze everything, and always tend to think the worst (pessimist).

Wow this is sad. I read over the list and everything seems to be bad. How pathetic.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 13:12:53 GMT

I've decided to make a list of the pros and cons of smoking pot, this is because of the conversation I had yesterday with my therapist.

Ok so here are the PROS:

It makes me more sociable, much more sociable.

It makes me laugh(sometimes).

I like it.

It makes me think about stuff I usually don't think about.

When I'm with someone who's also stoned it makes us completely compenetrated(don't know if that's a word in english but whatever).

I have fun.

CONS:

Well now that I've been smoking for a while I don't get the same effect I had at the beginning(obviously), I don't laugh as much.

Sometimes I act like a complete idiot when I'm stoned and people notice it.

It's not good to depend on a drug to be able to have fun(duh!).

It's not good for my health.

If I'm depressed and I smoke I get more depressed when the effect goes.

It gives me lots of problems to concentrate.

I have less memory(like I can't remember something I did yesterday), I don't know if that's because of smoking but that's what it seems.

I've had a shit school year, and that's partly thanks to smoking.

Again, I can't depend on a drug to have compenetrated conversations with people, to open up, etc. Because what will I do if I don't have it?

There are people that I only talk to when I'm really stoned.

In the long run it's only going to hurt me.

It makes me tired.

etc. etc. etc.

Ok so the list of cons is bigger than the one of pros, I think the answer is obvious. But then again, I'm not going to quit unless I really want to, wich I don't right now. Partly because I think it would be too hard. Specially because the summer has just began. This is pathetic. Today is one of the days that I hate myself.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Tue, 31 May 2005 00:18:19 GMT

Ok so today I had the appointment with the therapist. That went like shit. I mean really bad. I left there feeling worse than when I came in. Basically because she refused to be open minded. It started all right, she was nice and all. She asked me the rutine questions that every therapist asks. When she asked me if I smoke pot I couldn't lie so I told her I do. The second she heard that it's like something clicked and she went on and on about it. To sum it all up she said that she's not really willing to be my therapist if I'm not willing to quit smoking pot. Basically because she thinks all my problems are because of that. I'm pretty annoyed. I don't really think it's her place to tell me to quit. Well anyway next Monday I have another appointment. She said I should go a few times but if I'm not really going to reconsider the smoking that it's not worth me coming because it would be "false"(like she put it)...

hmmm...am I going to quit? Well no not right now. I just don't believe all my problems are because I smoke. And I'm not going to quit just because she tells me. the day I quit it will be because I really want to. Yeah pretty dumb but whatever that's how I feel.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Fri, 27 May 2005 18:39:51 GMT

fuck it. I'm sick of everything. Fucking period and fucking everything. I'm stressed as hell. Fucking exams and homework. I've just got one week left but boy is it going to be hard. I don't feel like doing anything. I should really be studying right now but fuck it. ARGGGGG!

I think I'm going insane, again. Luckily I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday. See how that goes. Maybe she can give me something to calm myself. Because I'm driving me and everyone that surrounds me insane.

On a lighter topic, yesterday(before I reached this state of bitchiness/insanity) I went to the beach with some friends and the stairs to get down to the beach are broken so we sort of climbed/slid down the rocks. Once I was down on the beach I realized there was no fucking way I was getting out. I was planning on swimming to the next beach if necessary. Finally they convinced me and I climbed up with a friend right behind me just in case, and today my legs are hurting as hell. I'm in really bad shape. That's a beach I'm not going back to. To top it off(the nearly falling from the rocks) a guy from my class who was there taped it and is threatening to show it to my class.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Mon, 23 May 2005 18:52:23 GMT

Tuesday night. I start reflecting over my life and I wonder:

What have I done?What have I accomplished?Have I even made people happy with my presence? I don't think so...if something I've made things harder. So summing it all up, what have I done? NOTHING.

Sad thought, eh? Pretty pathetic. This all leads to the unanswered question that people have been asking forever: what is the point of life?

Why do we live? Or what do we live for? So we can do good deeds and go to heaven? Yes, maybe for some, but what about for someone that doens't believe in heaven?

If we always thought like this I don't believe we could possibly live. If there's no reason then what are we living for? I think we try to evade asking ourselves this question as much as possible(distracting ourselves with whatever we can) because if we did we'd realize there is no real point to life besides just living, and that would lead(or at least in my case) to dropping out of school, getting a job and being stoned the rest of the day. Because if there's no point to life why do we study, work, do anything at all? I think we've always had the desire to learn new things and know stuff. And that's one of the things that keeps us living, besides the fear of death ,of course, but that's a whole different subject.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Fri, 13 May 2005 18:40:23 GMT

Today I learned I have stage fright. It was pretty awful. I had to do an oral presentation in catalan about the book "Lolita". I knew my stuff well but the second I was sitting in front of the class I just froze completely and COULD NOT DO IT. I was like paralized. I just couldn't. The friend I'd done the "trabajo" with did my part as well as hers. I'd start to talk but my voice started trembling and cracking so I had to stop. It was really awful. I just sat there the whole 15 minutes while my friend was talking, my face really red and I just could not talk. This had never happened to me IN MY WHOLE LIFE! I'm just completely shocked with myself. What freaks me out is that I know the only way to overcome this is by talking more in public, and I just can't. I think I'd never been so embarrassed in my life. How am I going to face my class on Tuesday?!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Mon, 09 May 2005 08:40:25 GMT

I was sitting on the windowsill(sp?) with a friend and these two women carrying babies came by asking for money. It just made me so sad. My friend commented on how these women steal from you the second you turn around, but what made me sad was the babies. They've been brought into the world to live on the streets in awful conditions with barely no food. And that's what their life is going to be. When they're a little older they'll be the ones expected to go out and ask for money. And that got me thinking...another friend of mine is constantly making comments about how he hates illegal immigrants coming here because they take jobs from the Spanish and steal. First of all that isn't true, they do not take jobs from the Spanish. They take jobs no one wants and get paid shit for them. What my friend doesn't realize is that if they come here risking getting caught and even dying they must be really desesperate. I've tried explaining this to him thousands of times but he just won't get it. I've also told him millions of times that no one chooses the family/place/situation they are born in. We are very lucky and should appreciate it. I'm not rich, far from it in fact, but I live in a nice place, can go to school, have food on the table every day, etc. These are the things we all seem to take for granted until they disappear. And that's really sad.