As I listen to REM I wonder what this emptyness inside me is and if it will ever go or if part of me will always feel this way. Even though suicide has never been(and I hope never will be) on my list of options I wonder what there is to live for. Family, friends? Even though those are the most important things in my life, sometimes I feel like they aren't enough. Because as I have a family who loves me and some close friends, I still feel empty. I ask myself more and more often everyday what I live for. Or for that matter, what anyone lives for. There has to be something that keeps us going. I don't think it's the fear of death because I know there are painless ways to go, but what is it then that keeps us going when we're feeling so sad all we wish to do is go to sleep and never wake up? That's how I feel lately. The past week for example all I've wanted to do (and nearly managed) is to stay at home and sleep. Today though, I went back to my normal rutine with friends. I didn't have a bad time but now that I'm home I just want to go to sleep and get rid of this feeling. One of my closest friends, my best friend in fact, tells me that I feel so depressed because I am very insecure and don't "love myself at all"(his words), and he believes the way of changing that is me fixing myself up(therefore being able to get a boyfriend- he says) instead of walking around in sweatpants and jeans all day. All I can wonder is, could the answer to my "problems" be so superficial? Could my depression possibly go away simply by fixing myself up and looking nicer? I can't possibly believe that one) it's that simple and two) the answer is so superficial.

So I'm at the same place. The place where I seem to have been for the past year or so. It's getting to a point where it's nearly unbearable(sp?) but still I manage to keep going, every day. What makes me feel worse is that I know I don't have reasons to feel this way. My life isn't perfect, granted, but is anybodies? I think I should be thankful for the life I have. And yes I am, but still I don't manage to get rid of this feeling. Ok it's not like I've done much to help, but the biggest problem is that I don't feel like doing anything. I've lost interest in things that I used to feel passionately about. All I want to do is stay at home and make no social contact unless people come by here to see me. On Monday I'm going back to school, starting my last  year, and it's one of the things I fear the most right now. I'm terrorfied in fact. I can't imagine how I'm going to get through this year feeling this way.