Que desagradable sensación es darse cuenta de que uno es una mala persona.

What a bad feeling it is to realize you are a bad person.

Just got back from babysitting. It was alright. I watched "Robots" with the kid and later a friend came over for a while. When she left I started watching this dumb typical movie with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock, but the kids parents came home when I was in the middle of it so I didn't finish watching it...oh well.

I've finally decided on a theme for my research project(the one I have to do this year, my last year of high school, yay!). I'm going to do it on hurricane Katrina. Well ok not on the hurricane itself but on what happened afterwards. I think it will be a very interesting project, though depressing, but I don't know where to start. There are so many things to look at...I've got until Monday to think about it because then I'll have to find a teacher in my school who's willing to be my "tutor" for the project. I still can't believe summer is over. And I've done nothing. Well at least I've learnt not to ever do something like this again,  meaning do nothing in 3 months because later I will regret having wasted my time.

Tomorrow night, well I guess I can say tonight already since it's 5 AM, a couple of friends and I are going to try "magic mushrooms"(I think that's what they're called in english). None of us have never tried them so that'll be something different. We'll see how it goes.

Well don't know what else to say so I'll shut up. Now.

As I listen to REM I wonder what this emptyness inside me is and if it will ever go or if part of me will always feel this way. Even though suicide has never been(and I hope never will be) on my list of options I wonder what there is to live for. Family, friends? Even though those are the most important things in my life, sometimes I feel like they aren't enough. Because as I have a family who loves me and some close friends, I still feel empty. I ask myself more and more often everyday what I live for. Or for that matter, what anyone lives for. There has to be something that keeps us going. I don't think it's the fear of death because I know there are painless ways to go, but what is it then that keeps us going when we're feeling so sad all we wish to do is go to sleep and never wake up? That's how I feel lately. The past week for example all I've wanted to do (and nearly managed) is to stay at home and sleep. Today though, I went back to my normal rutine with friends. I didn't have a bad time but now that I'm home I just want to go to sleep and get rid of this feeling. One of my closest friends, my best friend in fact, tells me that I feel so depressed because I am very insecure and don't "love myself at all"(his words), and he believes the way of changing that is me fixing myself up(therefore being able to get a boyfriend- he says) instead of walking around in sweatpants and jeans all day. All I can wonder is, could the answer to my "problems" be so superficial? Could my depression possibly go away simply by fixing myself up and looking nicer? I can't possibly believe that one) it's that simple and two) the answer is so superficial.

So I'm at the same place. The place where I seem to have been for the past year or so. It's getting to a point where it's nearly unbearable(sp?) but still I manage to keep going, every day. What makes me feel worse is that I know I don't have reasons to feel this way. My life isn't perfect, granted, but is anybodies? I think I should be thankful for the life I have. And yes I am, but still I don't manage to get rid of this feeling. Ok it's not like I've done much to help, but the biggest problem is that I don't feel like doing anything. I've lost interest in things that I used to feel passionately about. All I want to do is stay at home and make no social contact unless people come by here to see me. On Monday I'm going back to school, starting my last  year, and it's one of the things I fear the most right now. I'm terrorfied in fact. I can't imagine how I'm going to get through this year feeling this way.  

Here's a fragment from my diary:

I've decided to make a list of the pros and cons of smoking pot, this is because of the conversation I had yesterday with my therapist.

Ok so here are the PROS:

It makes me more sociable, much more sociable.

It makes me laugh(sometimes).

I like it.

It makes me think about stuff I usually don't think about.

When I'm with someone who's also stoned it makes us completely compenetrated(don't know if that's a word in english but whatever).

I have fun.

CONS:

Well now that I've been smoking for a while I don't get the same effect I had at the beginning(obviously), I don't laugh as much.

Sometimes I act like a complete idiot when I'm stoned and people notice it.

It's not good to depend on a drug to be able to have fun(duh!).

It's not good for my health.

If I'm depressed and I smoke I get more depressed when the effect goes.

It gives me lots of problems to concentrate.

I have less memory(like I can't remember something I did yesterday), I don't know if that's because of smoking but that's what it seems.

I've had a shit school year, and that's partly thanks to smoking.

Again, I can't depend on a drug to have compenetrated conversations with people, to open up, etc. Because what will I do if I don't have it?

There are people that I only talk to when I'm really stoned.

In the long run it's only going to hurt me.

It makes me tired.

etc. etc. etc.

Ok so the list of cons is bigger than the one of pros, I think the answer is obvious. But then again, I'm not going to quit unless I really want to, wich I don't right now. Partly because I think it would be too hard. Specially because the summer has just began. This is pathetic. Today is one of the days that I hate myself.